May 12, 2011-Crystal

I knew something was wrong. After a very invasive surgery in Cali. to repair and clear endometriosis my specialist said "good luck, you should be expecting in months." That was 2 years ago this November. It is hard when you are faced with infertility and seeking God's direction and no answers. The feeling of guilt of not being content has been something God was working on me about. I thank God each day for Austin but inside wanted more children. 2 years ago I began to pray that if it was not meant to be that God would just take the desire away. "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalm 37:4
However the more I prayed the more I clung to the fact that God does want to give us our desires and bless. He started showing me that things can't be my timing but His. Also I felt that I just needed answers as what was the problem. I had tried every home test, natural meds, drank weird things, and more.
On May 12 it was time. Kevin and I drove down to Fredrick, Md for testing. I had that awful feeling I knew what was the result. Kevin was so encouraging that if we found that we could not get pregnant, God had a cooler way of building our family. As I laid there having dye put through me I could see the screen showing it not going anywhere. As the doctor looked at me with sad eyes I knew-my tubes were no good. I really believe that God spoke to me then confirming he had great plans! The shock on the nurses faces as I got up and comforted them that it was ok, "God has a cooler way of building my family" I will never forget. I got to talk about how God changes lives, how He is the writer of my story, and how God has a plan.
I would like to say I had all the faith I needed. I walked out to Kevin and described what had happened and then we both got silent. Drove to Starbucks and then burst into tears asking God what next. I felt like maybe I had done something wrong that God would not let me carry another baby. I had lots of questions with no answers. God never said he would tell us the plan but that He would walk through it with us, one step at a time. So now we are getting ready to take the next step with Him guiding us as we go. Through this I have held on that God just might have hand picked me and said "yes, she will mother this child that needs a family." How awesome to think that possibly God has bigger plans for me as a mother! I am excited to meet the child or children that God has for our family!